It was around the time of the New Year Eve that I felt empty for the first time ever. It didn't really upset me back then, for New Year Eve isn't the happiest time of the year for me, anyway. I assumed that the sense of emptiness would be gone in a few days…
It didn't.
I realized it was something a little more serious and a little less temporary than my usual mood swings.
Initially, the ‘void’ hurt my ego, because I had always pretty good at understanding my emotions, my mood swings and most of my internal conflicts. But this time, it was quite a peculiar scenario. It had trouble figuring out what was happening to me… It felt as though there was a thick, heavy veil between me and my emotions.
As the weeks passed, it only worsened. There were times when I told myself, 'This is it! I'm going to break down now!’ But, no, nothing happened. Not a single tear escaped my eyes. I just stood there staring hard at the floor. That's when I realized how pain hurt much less than emptiness. When there is pain, at least you have something to cling onto, something to cry over, something to blame on. Looking back, I remembered the moments when I was lucky enough to be completely aware of my feelings, when I wept to my heart's content, when I was stuck in a turmoil of emotions!
I could sense the void growing bigger. It felt as though there was a violent, gruesome, black hole in my heart that was sucking in all my emotions rapidly. But, strangely enough, it left the haunting memories undisturbed, as if it knew how exactly to snatch away the very little peace of mind I had...
Then, gradually, I began to understand the reason behind the emptiness: I was giving away too much love, and wasn't getting back enough.
From then onwards, I began to observe the so-called ‘love transaction’ very carefully. I did notice people giving back love to me, sometimes more than I ever gave them, and yes it did fill the void well. But after a while the love they gave seemed to drain away somehow! (Strange! Must be because of the cracks in my heart!) Then it struck me; ‘ How can the love of these people fill my emptiness, when most of them, like me, were feeling empty from within?’
That's when I understood who was capable of filling the void...it was 'me’. I realized how foolish I had been to expect others to fill the void, when I had all the love that O need within myself!
But filling the void isn't an easy task. It requires a lot of time and effort, but, trust me, it's worth every little effort you are putting in. And it isn't just about self-love. It's about supporting yourself, allowing yourself to grow. It's about introspection! It's about understanding even the teensy-weensy, insignificant parts of you. So, look within and sharpen the blunt places, and smoothen the rough ones, and of course, fall in love with yourself over and over again!
To the people out there who feel empty or lost, listen up! You're not the only one. There are many who have a void that needs to be filled. It's quite natural. But don't allow the emptiness to engulf you, fight it out! And, remember, only you have the potential to do it! Because you have all the love and goodness that you need within 'YOU’!
